Why do I feel like things are tumbling down? I really shouldn't after all.
My husband had a stroke on April 11th. Luckily I was home with him and was able to get an ambulance immediately. He was rushed to the hospital and by the time he arrived, he was already better. He spoke cohesively about what occurred.
Yes he had two knots on his head. He banged into the forbidding brick wall while in the dining room, trying to reach me as I nested on the couch.
He was already better than I expected, that's for sure.
When they took him up to a room, not intense care, just a regular, comfortable room with a blue, cushiony recliner stationed next to the bed, wasn't that a sign that things weren't tumbling down?
But he had some kind of heart episode. He had to have MRI's. The pacemaker prohibited it so they yanked the pacemaker. OMG. I was asked to make decisions for him. My heart raced in fear. Was he worse than he looked? Did they know something?
No, once they yanked his pacemaker and did the MRI, it showed that indeed, he had brain swelling signifying a stroke. His progress was remarkable though. Walking, talking, eating and sharing with us - So he wasn't joking yet. That would have been his classic, "I'm ok" to all of us. That would come, wouldn't it?
As we prepared to return home, with Occupational Therapist saying he was adjusted and well enough not to even need more therapy, he stared into space.
"Why do you keep doing that?" I questioned.
"I'm trying to catch my heart beat. I want it to get back to normal."
I explained what he said to the doctor. They decided he should walk the corridors while they monitored his heart rate. It went into lower ventricle arrhythmia, an often fatal beat. Quickly an exterior heart defibrillator was ordered and soon, off he went home with it, hugging his chest and irritating his incision underneath its strap.
A cardiac MRI was ordered. He was home! That's a relief, right?
Went in for the MRI and now a tumor was found. Neurologist was called in to initiate investigative tests to determine if it was the cause of the stroke. Is it benign? Does it have to be removed? Does he now need a permanent defibrillator?
We received our answers in the midst of therapies, both occupational and speech. Our normal life as landlords seemed to be put on hold even though we had an empty apartment that needed fixing and renting..
The beautiful music that my husband made for weddings now seemed to be a thing of the past. He could play his zurna (a reed instrument similar to oboe) but the melodies?? Somewhere out of reach for now in the fog of his brain.
Walking in the beautiful Botanic Gardens came back slowly. There was so much fear that anything could trigger something. Didn't know exactly what, just knew that anything was something to fear.
I keep feeling like things are tumbling down.
We figured out we can take our walks. We can garden. We enjoy our grandchildren. Then Nathan, the oldest grandchild, says he kicked a door and the glass pane came shattering down on his leg. Feeling frightened. Knowing that was something. I felt fear.
So things are tumbling down. I was right.
