Things are Tumbling down.

Why do I feel like things are tumbling down?  I really shouldn't after all.
My husband had a stroke on April 11th. Luckily I was home with him and was able to get an ambulance immediately.  He was rushed to the hospital and by the time he arrived, he was already better. He spoke cohesively about what occurred.
Yes he had two knots on his head. He banged into the forbidding brick wall while in the dining room, trying to reach me as I nested on the couch.
He was already better than I expected, that's for sure.
When they took him up to a room, not intense care, just a regular, comfortable room with a blue, cushiony recliner stationed next to the bed, wasn't that a sign that things weren't tumbling down?
But he had some kind of heart episode. He had to have MRI's. The pacemaker prohibited it so they yanked the pacemaker. OMG. I was asked to make decisions for him. My heart raced in fear. Was he worse than he looked?  Did they know something?
No, once they yanked his pacemaker and did the MRI, it showed that indeed, he had brain swelling signifying a stroke. His progress was remarkable though. Walking, talking, eating and sharing with us - So he wasn't joking yet. That would have been his classic, "I'm ok" to all of us. That would come, wouldn't it?
As we prepared to return home, with Occupational Therapist saying he was adjusted and well enough not to even need more therapy, he stared into space.
"Why do you keep doing that?" I questioned.
"I'm trying to catch my heart beat. I want it to get back to normal."
I explained what he said to the doctor. They decided he should walk the corridors while they monitored his heart rate. It went into lower ventricle arrhythmia, an often fatal beat. Quickly an exterior heart defibrillator was ordered and soon, off he went home with it, hugging his chest and irritating his incision underneath its strap.
A cardiac MRI was ordered.  He was home! That's a relief, right?
Went in for the MRI and now a tumor was found. Neurologist was called in to initiate investigative tests to determine if it was the cause of the stroke. Is it benign? Does it have to be removed? Does he now need a permanent defibrillator?
We received our answers in the midst of therapies, both occupational and speech. Our normal life as landlords seemed to be put on hold even though we had an empty apartment that needed fixing and renting..
The beautiful music that my husband made for weddings now seemed to be a thing of the past. He could play his zurna (a reed instrument similar to oboe) but the melodies?? Somewhere out of reach for now in the fog of his brain.
Walking in the beautiful Botanic Gardens came back slowly. There was so much fear that anything could trigger something. Didn't know exactly what, just knew that anything was something to fear.
I keep feeling like things are tumbling down.
We figured out we can take our walks. We can garden. We enjoy our grandchildren. Then Nathan, the oldest grandchild, says he kicked a door and the glass pane came shattering down on his leg. Feeling frightened. Knowing that was something. I felt fear.
So  things are tumbling down. I was right.

Impulse Dress

 It was an impulse dress for an impulse wedding. My youngest daughter's beautiful wedding dress hangs forlornly in the corner of my cigar bedroom.  She wore it only once, as it should be.. but why the hurry?

She was twenty seven years old and her life felt like chaos. Maybe getting married, maybe having somebody to stand with you while you hear the most devastating news one can hear in a lifetime, maybe that makes buying your wedding dress not such an impulse after all, right?

 Surrounded by mementos of cigars, her stately dress presides in a room meant to be homage to her late Uncle Tommy who died two years earlier from liver failure.  The cigar boxes are stacked neatly on a shelf. Uncle Tommy loved the  order of things; stacks, folded clothes, neat drawers and an aromatic box opening to an occasional cigar.
Why have this pure white gown hanging in here?

 After Tommy died, the room seemed to magically evolve - a cigar picture here and there gleamed from thrift stores and garage sales.

 A couch from Homemakers that was sitting discarded in the warehouse as the store window displayed the "Going out of Business" sign. Great buy! A rug depicting cigars - how cool is that??

The back of her dress has buttons and lace ties.  Good idea for a girl who, like her mother, gains and looses those ten pounds in moments of stress.
This was an impulse dress - bought when the stress of hearing she too had a heart condition that perhaps took her nephew. Did they have the same condition?  We're not sure.  We believed they both had asthma. Doctors were treating them both for that.  When Bobby went to his next life, it wasn't asthma that took him.  He had a heart condition.
We were torn apart, absolutely devastated  that cold March day. Afterwards, weeks later, the nagging thought filtered through - what if Sara had a heart condition too?  What if her doctor was wrong all these years?
She was diagnosed with asthma when she was about four.  Her older brother, Bobby's father Dino, had asthma and noticed Sara wheezing. Curiously we let her take a puff from his inhaler and her wheezing stopped.  Her doctor never tested her for this condition. It was just assumed.
Through the years she managed to control her health issues except when she decided to sneak out of the house and ended up breaking her leg when she was fifteen.  After having her leg set, she was given an ECG The cardiologists were very excited about the results. They wanted her to set up an appointment but they never told us what the reason was.  When we asked our primary care physician, she pretty much "poo pooed" the idea away.
Now we understand that was a mistake. Knowing that she suffers a genetic heart condition called hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, would we have questioned Bobby's care a little more intensely?
As it stands, we give Bobby credit for saving Sara's life.  She went to a specialist who has given her back her life. She has had heart damage. She has a defibrillator. She has medication. She was pressed for time.
Her boyfriend of a few years stood by her side and Sara decided her life was passing by way too fast.  Four months after Bobby died, Sara got married in a civil ceremony with immediate family. She wasn't going to buy a dress until we could plan a reception - maybe in a year.  While strolling past the formal gown shops, we decided to just take a peak at a few gowns.  This one was made for her.  With a few minor adjustments, it was perfect.  With the buttons and lace ties at the back, she could easily wear it again in a year.  So she purchased it.
Wearing it into the courthouse proudly, we followed her into the elevator and down the hall.  Afterwards we went to breakfast and then to the most beautiful place in the world, the Botanic Gardens, for pictures.
We came back to our home and quickly hung up her dress in the cigar room.  There it stands, forlornly waiting for a day that will never arrive. A queen without her court.
Instead, she will head into another courtroom tomorrow to hear the judge issue the final decree - divorce.

This is retirement?

     I've been "on retirement" since September and it's become another job!  I can't seem to do what I anticipated. The leisure days, the stay cations and vacations seem to be looming in the future, but they're not here yet.
     First of all I made one big mistake. I decided to tag along with my husband on his daily excursions.  BIG MISTAKE. Now I'm the one getting up early and he's the one sleeping in for an extra hour.  I quickly dash across the street and relieve my daughter of her motherly duties so she can leave for work.  I use to work with her - now I work FOR her!
     This is the favorite part of my day. I love being with my grandchildren. Kids are so happy in the morning after a good night's sleep. (Not so when it's a bad night's sleep though!)  Isabel, at age three, gets herself ready, brushing her teeth, changing her clothes and heading downstairs to greet me. (I do have to watch her socks - she wore the same pair three days in a row before her mother caught it.)
     Lil Rigo at ten months is a smiley face.  He moans and groans to let you know he's awake; once I enter his room, he pulls himself up and has the dearest smile on his face.  If his grandfather arrives by this time, he eagerly listens for him. How he loves his grandpa! He holds on sweetly when I creep down the stairs. As soon as I place him on the floor, off he goes, searching for grandpa.
     Tia finally comes to take over the demands of Rigo while I finish up with Isabel. She has her breakfast; now combing her hair is sometimes a battle. I like putting pigtails or french braids on her. She's decided she likes that wild look but she thinks that means I'm not suppose to comb her hair at all. Once we get through this, it's time to drive her to preschool. (Mom doesn't like to call it daycare.)
     After we drop her off we sometimes have doctor's appointments or blood tests. Mainly my husband does. Then we may end up at the apartment to pick up rent or clean up in the front of the building Breakfast is eaten either at a restaurant or grandpa whips up his eggs in a manner that can only be done by him. They are the best!
     The rest of the day should be mine. So far it hasn't been. We have a new "dependent" Andre who was living in our home for a few weeks. He's returned to his own home but we usually pick him up around 1:30 and bring him with us whether it's to pick up lunch or run into the fruit market. He loves being in the car. He thinks it's the best thing that's ever happened to him and since he was a puppy mill dog for three years before my daughter fostered (then adopted) him, I guess he may be right about that.
     Well, dinner has to be made. Emails have to be answered. Bills have to be paid.
     We had lots of running around to do, trying to activate my pension.  My husband and I failed in our divorce and had remarried.  Even though I married the same person twice, the pension board has to receive a copy of the divorce decree. Would you save a divorce decree under these circumstances?? Neither did we.  Then his birth certificate is from Turkey.  It has been translated but I don't think the translation was very good because his passport was requested for more verifications. Hopefully my pension will start at the end of this month. I may get retroactive money though. That'll be great.
     Our reverse mortgage went through - YEAH!!!  Interesting closing, done in our own home.  The Title Company hired doesn't collect any proceeds.  We had to go to the bank and have that money transferred. That's the finale.
     Before we reached this finale, there were visits to a mortgage counselor, kinko's for copies, and constant papers being sent to the mortgage company to show we are upstanding citizens who always pay our bills and will now do our best to continue to pay our insurance and taxes.  The ends justify the means - not paying a monthly mortgage for LIFE is going to make all this running around worth it.
     So, evening arrives much too fast. My daughter comes over for dinner and to pick up Andre.  We review all the obstacles she has to overcome in her life at the time.  I'm longing for a time when we can say her life is drama-free. Don't think that'll be happening any time soon, but we can wish, can't we?
     So, my friends sporadically enter the picture. i have an aunt in the hospital for surgery.
     Oh but I did get one of my anticipated retirement bonuses - we tossed out our PC and bought an iMac. LOVE IT!!! I ran a Mac lab, then later I ran a PC lab at the schools I worked in. I can't understand why anybody would prefer a PC. I'm soo glad to be an Apple person again.
     Wonder when the rest of my anticipations will come to fruition??

Why did we let ourselves suffer?

Today we picked up an iMac. OMG I am soo glad to be home again! You see, I used Mac's with my previous CPS job at a magnet grammar school. It was over 20 years ago, so they were pretty new then.
I witnessed and heard the death rattle of a Mac, endured the management of apps and their conflicts; I even gave a seminar on the great ways a teacher could use their Mac.
Then I switched to another CPS school, a high school this time, and was put into a PC lab. I had to learn how to use those nasty things. It was horrible but to make my conversion complete, I bought my first PC. The drama began almost immediately.
It was difficult to manage the virus controls, the pop-ups and the sloowwww connection. I thought it was my Internet Provider. I was ready to switch. Then my CPS school did a wonderful favor - I got laid off.
At first, if you read my blog at all, you'd know that at first I was pretty lost.
Not anymore...
I'm going in for my pension and I got an iMac.
We've closed on our reverse mortgage and we are planning a trip to Las Vegas first.  I'm getting back on track with diet and exercise. (I always manage to mess up when I'm in flux.)
Best of all, I can write again and not worry about speed... it's there ... it's really there.
Thank you Steve Jobs.

Just tell me one thing - what do I do with all this PC equipment??

Just For Laughs: TIME LAPSE

Just For Laughs: TIME LAPSE

That Holiday Spin

My head is spinning with so much to say that I don't say anything at all. Did that ever happen to you?
First we have Xmas. Lot going on but do I really want to go into it? I'm always on pins and needles, anticipating the major storm that is bound to occur. It did.
My son has out of towners from his wife's family that drop in unexpectedly. This sends my daughter into a frenzy because this year we're doing our private celebrations at her house.
Will we have enough food? Will they make comments about the Spanish that they speak with my son-in-laws "Tia." Will they get drunk? After all, isn't that what people do in Georgia??
I made an extra dish and my daughter-in-law brought over extras too. Out of respect for her mother-in-law, her brothers agreed to not drink. The little girl they brought was a welcome attention to the few children we had with us. And finally, they blended in so well with the rest of us, nobody really noticed when English was spoken or Spanish.
The thing is, we were so sure that they would have prejudices about our life style that we failed to notice how we were doing that to them. When they left, we felt a bit shamed. How could we have thought it would be awkward when in reality, through my wonderful daughter-in-law, we were all family, connected in the most basic ways.
Oh, that was minor though, compared to when the next storm hit. My other daughter finally decided, after a year of counselling and struggling with this, that she would be getting a divorce - right when his family is coming to town from Ohio to celebrate Xmas with them! That was such a painful decision to make after only 2 1/2 years of marriage, but it was better to do it now than after children and other ties bound them even tighter.
She and her wonderful dog Andre moved in with us. She thought she could stay in her home, first moving into the spare bedroom. After her husband had an outburst, we all decided she needed to come live with us until he relocates.
I can't begin to tell you how greedy he turned out to be. Even though she bought most of the property, he has firmly claimed them as his due. Luckily she has his car in her name to simmer him down a bit. Otherwise I think he's out to destroy her and could have succeeded. He wants that car though.
So, this is my holiday.
Now I just have to get through my doctor's visit next week. Yes, I always make a doctor's appointment after the holidays. Keeps my feet on the ground when my head starts that holiday spin.

Tell me Why.

Why does my husband like to point out all the different makes and models of cars? I know my youngest daughter will be buying another car within the year. However, just because he shows me these cars doesn't mean that I'll remember what they even look like much less all their stats. So why do it??
While watching TV, why does he maintain a running commentary? How many times can a person say, "Shh?"  Will he ever take the hint?
Added to all that, why can't he ever seem to find anything if he believes I put it away? I always put things in the same place. Why can't he just look there??
Thank goodness I really love this guy..